BRAVERY: THE HOWLING WOLF

this other day i was like sitting and listening to the howling wolf guy, that blues singer guy, he’s damn cool you know… and somehow when the wolf said like he is this wolf, singing i am the wolf gonna howl for you when your feet is in the snow, you got shoes on your feet you don’t want no wolf hanging around... i know that wolf, i know how it feels, know that the wolf’s feels that way? i know because i know that look in his eyes. i know that look so much i drew it down.

i know many of you guys will say that there isn’t much of a face on that thing … so i look at it and i think my writing not that good, at least my drawing is, it makes more sense many ways, you know…may be i should have been an artist…doing portraits and naked pictures of my woman… but that’s not rufus… rufus is the wolf … i like howling in the night when there’s no one around and the crickets sound that crazy way… i like to do those mean bad things they say shouldn’t be done for fear of anything…

so like you can say i was trying to be all brave… going out on my own… fucking the darkness as i walked my way through it… swimming through muck… memory and emotions and men like things that wishy washy here in the dark an all…

the thing is my mama used to try and scare me at night by pushing me into the dark night and closing the door… and i knew from my heart that this the damnedest scary thing to do to me because whenever i thought of those nights in the dark i still feel scared wherever i be… and the scarediest sound i heard then was a howling dog and a croaking rooster…

you know the people act as if the rooster only crow in the morning… but a rooster is a damn fool, how is he going to know the time an all… i know man, i can tell you this much for sure the rooster fucker crows at all kind of times…. sometimes in the midnight … you know i was out in the night and i was scared and i heard the rooster fucker crowing at i guess 1 am… i was little and i was let out to pee… and my mama shut the door by mistake… and that’s when i hear the fucker rooster croak… and as i banged on the door i don’t know why like he was watching me, this wolf or dog or something started howling one strange howl… that’s the earliest i guess when i felt fear so hard… my soul fused with that fucker then and there in gooey fear… the fucking howling wolf bastard… i knew everything he felt as feeling till that time… you know i don’t know like where he went what he ate or whom he fucked and shit like that but how his soul felt doing all that… its like suddenly you are a god that is all of us and none of us… where everybody is the same, where there is not any big small good bad and shit like that… no fear no shit… just plain feeling… the night is getting over and the morning is coming in and every damn wolf better hide his hide or he’s going to be fucked… the people will wake up and get sticks and stuff, because the wolf has done bad things to people before

i once sat and played three card poker with some of my friends sitting in a little shed in the middle of a banana plantation… in these parts there are many wild animals prowling the night… sometimes chasing russian hares the wolf comes down here… he is a mean fucker… the landowners father had once faced a wolf and had got attacked, the wolf he bite his shin bad… we were standing guard as we sat in the dim light of a kerosene brass lamp and drank our good tender-coconut and rum something crashed through the fence and we rushed out to look… and in the blasted glare of the big dubai torch that was like damn headlight of a truck… in the blasted glare i saw the wolf… mean scary bastard… i don’t know how he can be alive and so angry at the same time… two glaring coals his eyes were… peering right into my own eye… maybe i was imagining… my friend he threw the kerosene lamp and the wolf ran away… but you know what sometimes i understand why the wolf is so hard and mean… i feel angry like that sometimes… the mean old howling wolf… nobody likes him because he is down right mean…

he has reasons to be angry like you have your’s being scared… is there anything there to be scared of if you’re so damn angry… i guess everyone of you will know that the damn fucker wolf he must be fucking scared to look in the fucking mirror… i guess if i were a smart man i would put up mirrors to scare fear… it’s a weird kind of justice in that thought… i know the wolf wants something and if he gets that shit he will be happy and he will stop being so angry an all… imagine just getting by eating and drinking and fighting with men, he never gets what he wants… maybe he doesn’t remember what he wanted only that he is not getting it… that way he can end up being so angry… but then the wolf is a dumb fucker, isn’t he?... i hate to be afraid of some shit that is as dumb as that huhh… it’s a shame i was afraid of this dumb fuck all these years… Rufus can scare the wolf now… but that’s just a feeling that comes and goes…

THE SUTRAS OF RUFUS NAIR

I.

small words find bigger words and they become sentences
all of it is churned out by the machine making words
there is as much to writing shit as breathing or taking a crap
writing is governed mostly by an involuntary faculty of the brain
words are pre-programmed thoughts based on and definitive in meaning
these things create a diagram of thought to dispel nothing
rufus finds that everything is somehow taught to wrap around signifying symbols

I am amazed
What life huh?

on the other hand
utterances are nothing but the mish-mosh created by some unknown entity
(some for convenience sake call it the self)
straining fatally against programming created by another enigmatic entity
(lets call this the other)
but beyond the psychodrama of programmed response
there is something that is groped at
it can only be defined now as a dream
a dream that there is something that one can hold up convincingly
and say I know this

fact is there is no knowing

Life is what…! Who can say!
It’s a fart in the wind that no one notices.

:make believe
:to be induced into belief
:fiction
these are super-diagrams existing in ubiquity
they bequeath sub diagrams that link with every quantum of sensitivity
the neurons of fiction reach every corner of the mind
thus machinations of make believe keep resonating across a billion paradigms
who keeps track of such things
who can separate make from believe
and believe

What to do?
Its tiring to push against what is towards what isn’t.

laissez faire
just let it be let it be let it be
diagrams of sensoriums remain as they be
rufus says remain as you are
let it be let it be let it be
everything is one thing too much
all you can try to is become null, be nothing, live nothing
and try and do as much nothing as can be done

disorder leads to conflict leads to memory war leads to disorder
laissez faire is to disorder as wind is to fart

It’s a conflict with no fight.
It’s a tear in your pants over your private parts and people see your tired old undies.

pay the bearer what you owe and what he wishes to swindle off you
rufus pays upfront to avoid the talk
the sleazy smart corporations who are money junkies
spend every ounce of their vapid money-greedy mind
to talk you into a deal to swindle a few hundred bucks
so pay whatever upfront
unless you want to be a vapid money-greedy twerp who counts every paisa he spends
don’t give it the satisfaction of turning you into a shit like it
(this sutra doesn’t work like Rufus wants it to, but hope is eternal and hate is blind)

they always manage to lure you into a confrontation
but when that happens then you have to be really ridiculous
just put up your guard and take the stance of the crane
like Jet Li in The Rebel (even over the phone just drop the receiver and do the crane)
******
II.

Kalyug is here
Rejoice rejoice all of vile nature.

if you find yourself on the winning side make sure you are on your own team
most everybody who wins in this strange age is on his opposite team
self goals win the most matches now-a-days
so make sure which way you are playing before you kick start anything
rufus says don’t play games with yourself
even if you are all alone in your room on a rainy day with a power cut